So, I've been thinking...

This last week has been filled with a lot of thinking. I was given a week off from working on raising support for my job with Campus Crusade. A week reprieve from something that had become so much about me and my performance that I was losing sight of who God is and what He's done for me and why I signed on to work for Campus Crusade in the first place.

It's been a hard week, but it's been a truth filled week. I have heard truth from the Word, from some books, from some friends who love me and are willing to put it out there.

Two big things I wanted to share -

1. I need some serious accountability to spend time daily in the Word. I have a terrible tendency to move into avoidance mode when it comes to hard things. I will fill my time with anything rather than going to God with the appropriate level of desperation. He wants me to rest in Him, He wants me to find peace in Him and He requires me to yield control. Which leads to the second thing...

2. I have idols. We all do. To use the words of Tim Keller - our hearts are idol making factories. My idols are comfort, performance, achievement, knowledge, control.... I tend to make people and situations way bigger than they need to be. I dwell in self-pity (which is actually a form of pride) and I lose sight of all of the great things and people in my life and often look the gift horse in the mouth. I found myself complaining to a friend yesterday that this last week that I was "off work" was busier than I expected (she's a single mom and probably works 50 to 60 hours a week at her job, a day in her life is busier than a month of mine). She very quickly pointed that out and I was humbled and continue to be (and that's a good thing). Also, I am not in control of my life and I need to learn to be ok with that and to put God in His appropriate place ahead of all of the other things that compete for my attention. To really know that I can't add anything to Jesus and His completed work on the cross.

I write this because I need prayer. I'm feeling kind of desperate. I'm feeling the reality of not being in control and I'm terrified. Would you pray that I would learn to rest in Christ? And that God would make it increasingly clear what He wants me to be doing with my life and what I need to do to carry that out?

Thanks! And hope that everyone is else is doing well....